PMDD.

I have memories of me as a teenager being moody, angry, starting arguments with my parents and being a really horrible person tbh. I just thought puberty did that to everyone. I remember my parents telling me I needed anger management. My Dad and I would clash as I would wind him up and he would slam doors and the noise of the slamming would set me off even more. 

Growing up I would have random times where I thought I was depressed/ my anxiety got worse, but it would come and go, never constant. 

Fast forward a few years and my Dad hears someone on the radio mention PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) He rings me and tells me he thinks what is what I have.

Looking back it made sense.. I would turn in to a different person. I would want to make drastic decisions just before my period, and I would get very anxious. I first went to the Dr about this when I was 21, so around 7 years ago. I explained how I think my period was making my anxiety worse. Was given a contraceptive pill.

Around 4 years ago the anxiety was joined by monthly depression. I don't think I had ever been depressed and didn't really know how to deal with it. I would go on really long walks and just cry. We used to live near a little meadow with the river going along it and I remember one day I sat on this little platform that went into the water and just cried. I would lay in bed and think of all the ways I could kill myself. I would daydream about starting my life again, getting on a train away from everyone and going missing.

It also makes me think my relationship is failing and that I am not good enough for anyone and I need constant reassurance.It's pretty terrifying and very exhausting tbh. And then my period would come and these thoughts would go.

 Fast forward to now.. In that time I have been signed off work three times, been prescribed 2 different antidepressants, 2 different contraceptives, spoken to 4 different drs, a gynaecologist and finally a private psychiatrist. I was once told by a doctor that my suicidal thoughts were like when he would see a knife and know it would kill him but he would choose not to. This was after I told him that everytime I saw a car I felt like walking in front of it.

Weirdly it's a really good job I also got diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) in this time because it meant a gynaecology appointment where I mentioned that I thought I had PMDD and told her how I felt and she referred me to a psychiatrist. 

A year went on and the NHS had basically refused the referral.. (yay).. 

I ended up ringing my drs and basically saying I really needed help and some kind of treatment to start and a diagnosis because I was finding it hard to cope every month. He told me they couldn't diagnose me and he was very honest with me and said that he thinks if I wait to see a psychiatrist on the NHS I may be waiting forever so he said in his opinion he thinks I should go private.. which is what I did..

£300 and a skype meeting later and I pretty much have a diagnosis. 

The psychiatrist said it seemed very very likely that I had it and left it up to me what antidepressants I would go on as basically I had tried one and convinced it made me put on around 2 stone so I didn't want that to happen again.. I am now filling out a tracker chart every month of my symptoms to send to him just to completely confirm that's what it is. I have also started taking the antidepressants that were prescribed to me this time, they sat in my cupboard for around 4 months before I actually started to take them because I realised frequent panic attacks and constant want to escape my life was not normal...

So that's my story. You may be wondering what the heck PMDD is so basically.. it's an abnormal reaction to the changes in the hormones that happen every monthly cycle. So I am basically allergic to my period..

Symptoms can be, mood changes, depression, paranoia, fatigue, crying, sensitivity, forgetfulness. It's actually very similar to bipolar disorder as the symptoms are pretty much identical, it's just that with PMDD it usually starts around 2 weeks before your period and disappears when you start bleeding or by the end of your period. I don't know if it's because I also have PCOS but my cycle is around 40 days and I find that my PMDD usually lasts around 3 weeks not 2.. So that's fun.

My plan is to have a hysterectomy after we have our children and a full removal of ovaries as that is the only thing that is seen as a full cure. Although it will then bring on early menopause and I will likely be on HRT for a long time but it will be better than what I am currently dealing with I am certain. Also a lot of women have said that when they were pregnant because they weren't having periods their symptoms disappeared so I really hope that happens!